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About Me Design & Interfaces / Professional Member anazei26/Male/Canada Recent Activity
Deviant for 10 Years
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Statistics 75 Deviations 214 Comments 21,101 Pageviews

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I like to scour the foreign drama or romance section of Netflix where I found an Italian film called Malena. I find myself watching less and less Hollywood produced films with the same violence worshipping action packed plotlines and predictable endings.

I'm not as macho as I used to try to be and if I met my younger self of ten years ago, we probably would have gotten into an argument over our opposing flavours of film.

The film Malena really struck a chord with me because it made me think of another girl, Camilla, who could sit in the place of Malena as the tragedies in the film culminated into a sad finale. I felt like the little boy narrator who watched the events unfold against Malena in a film about the tragedy of beauty and unrequited love.

I believe the director was trying to provoke certain feelings as he satirically ridiculed the townspeople in the film in the way they treated the innocent main character who was essentially being punished for her beauty by the jealous womenfolk and their lustful husbands.

I think that every once in a blue moon, God really does create a rare and perfect human being that stirs up the feelings of envy, jealousy, lust and insecurity in everyone surrounding her. They really do exist because I knew one once. It sounds strange but there were quite a few parallels I saw in the movie to the experiences I knew of Camilla and every once in a while, I still think of how badly she was treated by others because of the curse of her natural beauty.

I don't have much of a thing for blondes but Camilla stood out beautifully in a natural way and not just in outward physical appearance only. I've seen plenty of supermodels who can be considered prettier than her but she also had a heart of gold that would never fade with age.

I've never seen her apply cosmetics or wear any stunning clothing to show off her figure either. She was always simply dressed in tennis shoes with a plain undecorated face.

She was a romantic dreamer who somehow always said just the right words even if in a naive way. She had a magical effect over anyone she met that I still cannot explain to this day.

Whenever I was with her, it felt like I was sipping wine in the quiet midnight garden before a moonlit lake. She was just a simple country girl who never wanted anything, was never mean to anyone, nor said any bad things about anyone and was a very optimistic person.

She was special and as far as I know, practically every guy she met fell in love with her.

It was hard not to.

When I first met her, it was Camilla's first time away from home in rural Sweden at age nineteen. She came from a small village in Dalarna, a province where even native Swedes love to make the butt of their redneck jokes. She was a little embarrassed that her father was the village newspaper delivery man and she had only visited Stockholm once or twice in her life.

The major occupation in that area was for a thousand year old copper mine that predated the union of Sweden. The men worked and the women became housewives. Most of her other friends had already gotten married and had their first babies arriving by the age of twenty.

She told me her family had resided in the same village for at least five generations and since they didn't have a lot of money, the only things she knew of the outside world was what she was able to see on TV or the internet. Apparently, all the village boys ever did for fun was drift their beat up station wagons on the local racetrack after they saw the film "Tokyo Drift". All day long.

It was part of her dream to see more of the world and live in a city so she jumped at the chance to join the cultural exchange European Au Pair program when an Amstelveen position was offered to her.

I know I make this sound like such a backwater 1950s place that she comes from but that's exactly how she described it to me. Even though she was telling the truth, I actually had to research it up on the internet to see for myself. The Swedish YouTube videos I found of her village was exactly as she had described it.

It sounded like she literally came straight from a non-tourist village in a remote part of Sweden that hasn't changed much in the past sixty years minus the fact that they have running water, electricity, automobiles, televisions and the internet.

My fondest memory was when we rented a car and drove to Paris for a weekend where we walked along the Seine river telling jokes and waving at random tourist boats, visiting the Eifel tower and briefly sharing a simple lunch of French bread in the garden of the Louvre museum together.

Her troubles began when her Au Pair contract ended and she desperately wanted to stay and work in Amsterdam instead of returning to a gloomy village future back in Dalarna. I couldn't blame her because I would have wanted the same thing if I was her.

Having only a high school education and some spoken Dutch, she was only able to find odd jobs around the city and was often the first candidate to be laid off by employers unexpectedly.

It must have been hard being a pretty girl living in poverty in a foreign country. She worked at a small fruit store but her male employer liked to assign her demeaning jobs like cleaning the toilets on her hands and knees and then standing behind to watch her scrub. This already sounds like a crazy story I made up except I know it to be true because I saw what she went through.

She had a sense of Viking pride that I sensed in her and despite trying really hard just to survive, she never once complained. She cleaned, cooked, babysat multiple kids and whatever else needed to be done and often still was short on rent. She wasn't perfect either and I tried not to put her on a pedestal in my mind. She had plenty of flaws and imperfections that she readily admitted to.

Between the year I left Amsterdam before returning the following Christmas, she had fallen on hard times and was briefly homeless while her so called "friends" had abandoned her. She had been sleeping on one guy's couch for a few months but he had apparently been demanding other forms of compensation since she had no money to pay him. I just couldn't believe how capable otherwise normal people were willing to take advantage of her when presented the opportunity of her circumstances.

One of her au pair colleagues had jealously called her a whore behind her back because of the amount of men Camilla unintentionally attracted but I never told her because I was really hoping those girls would have the sympathy to take care of her if anything ever happen like her running out of money. Those girls were really jealous of her. I actually showed another friend of mine a picture of Camilla and I in Amsterdam taken a year apart and the first thing she said was, "your friend Camilla has gained weight in her face" in a judgmental way. I couldn't even tell if she had or not and it certainly surprised me that the weight was the first thing she noticed in a photo. I honestly believe that Camilla's life would have been a lot easier if she had not been born so pretty.

By the time I returned, she had transitioned into a sense of survival mode and her naive innocence was largely gone.

From secretly reading her personal online lunarstorm.se and bilddagboken.se on the side that she kept for her friends at home to document her experiences, I found out little things I wasn't supposed to know like how she was constantly starving and hadn't tasted even a slice of ham in months until she tagged along to some guy's work party at the bank he worked at. Yes, I was that pathetic token friend zone guy who was secretly in love with her but never gets to be in an intimate relationship with her.

As first when I went back to see her for Christmas, I was only going to give her a cute Pez toy but then I broke my own rules after seeing how she was. I brought her food and groceries and provided a substantial amount of money in a Christmas gift and when I thought I didn't give her enough to help, a further amount of money as a "loan" that she could pay back in ten years or whenever she was on her feet again.

I tried to feed her by inviting her over so we could cook together at my apartment or I took her out to a different restaurant every other night as often as possible. I bought her a few new dresses as a surprise that I knew she liked we had gone window shopping since I knew she didn't own a lot of clothes.

I also really wanted to do something nice for her since her city experience of Amsterdam was fairly negative so I took her on a trip by bus to Brussels instead of Paris so that we could try the whole Belgium cuisine, chocolate and cultural experience. I wasn't made of money either. Both my credit cards were maxed out and I only had maybe four or five thousand euros left in my already dwindling bank account but I wanted to share what little I had with her because she really did nothing to deserve what happened to her. I never once mentioned it because no amount of money could be more valuable than spending time with her. Just seeing her happy made me happy.

We spent several nights sleeping in the same hotel bed side by side in Brussels but we never did anything. Of course there would have been nothing else I would have desired more than to make tender love to her but I felt unconfident all over again. I was actually quite embarrassed when someone mistook her for my girlfriend in front of a group of strangers as I don't really think she had those types of feelings for me that I had for her and I didn't want her to think that I was doing all these things just to try to date her. There's a lot I haven't mentioned of how she lived but it broke my heart watching the way she suffered in silence with a brave face.

I knew that once the trip was over, she would have to return to the life she had put on hold again and I fantasized of holding her and telling her everything would be ok, that I would take care of her or maybe even sharing an intimate moment of a kiss with her. I dreamed of the little things. I don't know what she thought about me because there were days when she looked at a me a certain way and other days when she didn't. I never really asked.

We got into an argument because she had gotten a job offer and was considering becoming a webcam stripper out of desperation which I openly voiced my side of the opinion to. Sexuality is not a very big deal in Sweden and coming from the opposite nature, we had opposing views on the cultural morality of the issue. I was an idiot. I can't imagine how annoying I probably was. She thought I was trying to control her by telling how she should live her life.

Still, I really wanted to see her one last time so I dressed up in my best suit, polished my shoes and walked over to her apartment to call her unexpectedly to apologize. I begged her to allow me to take her out to a nice restaurant near her flat one last time before I flew home. Yes, I actually had to beg her on the phone because she was reluctant to see me again after the argument.

It was a perfect good bye. We avoided the previous issue altogether and had a pleasant conversation that I can't even remember what it was about. I just remember staring into her eyes the entire night and I finally told her about my feelings for her and I'm pretty sure I said something desperately crazy along the lines of me starting a new life in Amsterdam to take care of her for the rest of her life if she felt the same way.

Now that I reflect back on it, I realized that my judgment has changed on her proposed occupation. Webcam strippers are respectable human beings with thoughts and feelings too and shouldn't be automatically judged just because it is socially frowned upon. I should have been happy for her and supported her in her decision to empower herself instead of criticizing her.

I don't regret having met her. My friends laughed at me for all this effort in return for unrequited love but they don't understand how much I cared about her so I never really talked about this with them. I just really hope Camilla has a good life and that whoever she is with now fulfills her needs and makes her happy.

Sometimes, I forget these little memories tucked away in the back of my mind but it's just moments like these from watching a beautiful film like Malena that it reminds me of a girl I once knew far, far away.

deviantID

~anazei
The spider god of trickery
Artist | Professional | Design & Interfaces
Canada
Current Residence: Flying somewhere
Personal Quote: Attention passengers...I'm not qualified to land the plane
Interests

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Comments


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:icondzayin:
!Dzayin Nov 14, 2011  Student Interface Designer
Keep up the goodwork you are an awesome flasher !! inspiring .
Reply
:icondzayin:
!Dzayin Jan 3, 2012  Student Interface Designer
usualy i dont post on people wall but i came across your journal a few time and rode some of your articles your toughts are great.
Ive been following some of the same courses recently too but i am just a beginner in html,css,flash .. sometimes it is very hard and frustrating as a self taught webdesigner i hope to get better with the time, everything is evolving,changing and goin so fast not easy to keep on track .
I added you to my devwatch and thanks for the brief and refreshing links about courses . .
Reply
:iconanazei:
~anazei Jan 4, 2012  Professional Interface Designer
In my experience, one of the biggest obstacles to learning anything is not in how difficult the subject is but your individual mindset and psychology. It's when I used to think, "oh this is too complicated, too hard" that I wasn't able to learn because I didn't even bother trying as hard as I could have.

--
Bender: Hmmm... what is this "common cold"? Is it valuable? Or can it easily be taken from you, if say, you were unconscious? *subtly swings metal bar in palm
Reply
:icondzayin:
!Dzayin Jan 6, 2012  Student Interface Designer
yeah true thats the right state of mind :)
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsephius-fernando:
~Sephius-Fernando Aug 13, 2011  Professional General Artist
anazei. My name is Fernando Rabello. Im from Epifânica who is developing The Light of the Darkness. Great work you have. If you still want to help us, lets talk some day.

--
Estamos na era do tempo... aonde o tempo já era...
Reply
:iconsonala:
*Sonala Apr 19, 2011  Professional Filmographer
hello,
my name is mel and i am french!!
i am a 3d designer!!
and i search someone to help me for creating my website in flash!!
i can pay if the price is in my price!!
so if you agree can you note me??

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so thanks for all your favs!!! i haven\'t the time to comment all but so thanks!!

happy for everyone by my art by My friend of little finger
Reply
:iconbrodys-babe:
~Brodys-Babe Dec 26, 2010  Student General Artist
:yoda::iconsaysplz:Hello, random deviant. Happy New Year, to you.

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:sarcasm::roll::oops::evillaugh::lick::fingerscrossed::|:wave::yawnstretch::fight::unimpressed::):lol::sneeze::w00t!::greetings:=D:shakefist::wow::aww::cries::meditation::boogie::dance:B-):excited::bow::sing::ignore::O_o::meow:
Reply
:iconnd1razor:
~ND1Razor Dec 22, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Hello Der!
Reply
:iconanazei:
~anazei Dec 22, 2010  Professional Interface Designer
Random deviant feature?

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Bender: Hmmm... what is this "common cold"? Is it valuable? Or can it easily be taken from you, if say, you were unconscious? *subtly swings metal bar in palm
Reply
:iconnd1razor:
~ND1Razor Dec 22, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
indeed ^^
Reply
:iconsly-the-foxx:
~Sly-The-Foxx Dec 20, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
hello random deviant. just passing this vid around the internet to get the word out.

Love it, Hate it,
Agree, disagree,

The choice is yours and yours alone.

[link]

Take care, have a good one.

--
Once upon a midnight dreary, my heart beat fast cuz it was weary, from all the tap tap tapping on my bedroom door, while barked my mother 'DO YOUR CHOIRS!'
Reply
:iconsukii-x-chan:
o - o Your Deviant ID I gotta say is epic!!

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Made a new acc. Again.. MichiiSama
!!
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:icono-8o:
Hi, you were someone I happened to come across by means of the random deviant feature. Usually, I leave a nice greeting, a llama, and fave a piece of work before running along to the next person. It's not exactly the nicest thing I could do, but I figured one small stop here and there could possibly benefit both my random deviant and myself eventually.

You, however, were the first person that made me stop and actually look around. I read your journal on the faltering economics, and I'm intrigued by your thoughts. When I have more time, I want to come back and explore more. So, I'm adding you to my devwatch because I found your graphics appealing as well.

It is a pleasure to come across your page.
Reply
:iconanazei:
~anazei Dec 19, 2010  Professional Interface Designer
Thanks! I've been getting some crazy amount of Llama badges in the past week lol, my daily page views are through the roof as well, I thought someone was directing traffic to my page or something. I guess the random deviant feature is probably what is driving a lot of people to this page since I'm really inactive.

--
Bender: Hmmm... what is this "common cold"? Is it valuable? Or can it easily be taken from you, if say, you were unconscious? *subtly swings metal bar in palm
Reply
:iconkittykoolkatz:
*kittykoolkatz Jun 29, 2009  Student Digital Artist
Hello random deviant! :wave: I'm Lisa Nani and if you would be so kind to visit my gallery and post feedback i'll be very happy :icongrin--plz: the link is listed below :below: and thanks for your time :aww:

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:blackrose: Lisa Nani :blackrose:
Reply
:iconhennanights:
A random :wave: from a random deviant

--
Bob Carlos Clarke said of his wife Lindsey once "It takes a strong woman to be with a man that is obsessed with photographing the woman at the next table...."

Darklight Photography [link] Dance [link]
Reply
:iconbananasplit1:
Flash and cooking? lol

--
Life sucks and then you die.
Reply
:iconhardtoname:
Hi random deviant :)

Hows it going?

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-HardToName, Dan
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Hidden by Owner
Hidden by Owner
:iconmarthig:
:wave: Hi! I am sorry for taking some time in letting you know. I Featured three of your works in my February Journal I hope you agree with my choices but if you would like to change anyone just note me with the thumb you would like to be posted instead.
Thank you for having visited my site, which is why you got featured. :nod: :hug: Please roll down to the "Tradition Visitors" section. :blowkiss:

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:heart:`f--l--A--r--k APO Challenges #The-Aposhack`Xyrus02#Fractal-Resources#dALinkSystem #OurArea51#PhotoshopCAFE
VOTE pls ?[link] and [link] "I would wear this"
Reply
:iconznow-white:
Your wonderful resources have been included in my Weekly Gems Article for the Resources gallery [link]
Thank you for providing the community with such fabulous Resources.:heart:

--
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.
And a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Reply
:iconpandoraofbrushia:
~PandoraofBrushia Dec 6, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the pageview. :)

--
"The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them."
- Albert Einstein

"If you lose your temper, you’ve lost the argument."
- Proverb
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Hidden by Owner
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